You sit beneath the autumn tree,
and witness the pain you had never seen! Continue reading
You sit beneath the autumn tree,
and witness the pain you had never seen! Continue reading
Ever wished for a Heaven on earth? Ever wanted to be in between the birds, the flowing breeze, the endless horizon and, the ever reachable sun? It’s a desire we all cradle with, penning it down in our “Things-To-Do-Before-I-Die”, a wish to grow wings. Well, only if you promise me to purse your lips I have a secret to share with you… shush! I just fulfilled mine! *wink* If not in the very same way you imagined, but… somewhat close! How? If I were you, I would keep reading… Continue reading
As I pull the strings the pages fall,
I see my past unfold.
The broken pieces burn within,
and to love I shut my door…
I keep inside my broken self,
faking yet another smile.
Hiding the ashes of the burnt,
for yet another while… Continue reading
Just like the rain pouring down, slipping off my window pane, i feel the wetness on my face, crawling down slowly to my lips and then slide away silently, as if it were never there! Huhhh… Guess some memories are too strong to let go…!!
I close my eyes and a slide show begins of some of my life’s best moments which now lie like twigs and thorns in a bunch of roses. Hurt and burnt i feel inside, something that was to be forgotten has now traced its steps back, making me feel alone and left out!! Its not a good feeling, trust me!! Its strange to believe that at one point of time all i wanted was immortality of those moments and now… I wish i could tell you exactly how I feel of them!!
The face that lies in those slides, now burnt and engraved in my heart, is one that i once never wanted to let go. Why don’t memories walk in sync with the feelings of one’s heart? Alas, I shall never find that out… The time has gone and all that is left are the broken fragments that spread the fragrance of a crushed rose in the air… I can feel it, I can smell it!! Its just like a deadly flower, luring you towards itself with its sight but inside crushing you, and leaving you hollow with each second you spend with it! But then I guess, somethings are infact inevitable… We need to learn to tame our heart and teach it the art of living with all the wounds that lie down under deception!
As i fall back in time all the jokes now seem to be horrors, all dreams now look like nightmares, all feelings now look fake and all promises, a lie!! I now lie in a fix… I need to know what should i do? I cannot lie down forgetting everything as that is something I have tried, and failed!! And neither can I live with it, knowing it hurts me every second making me feel sore all the time… My patience now seems to desolve with time and my abilities now loose their strength!! It’s easy to lie to palefaces than trying to fool your own conscience. Only if I knew how to burn these broken pieces I would pass in peace for I know that is never going to happen and I am left in pain, fear and dread. So now i quench with thirst of love, a thirst of changing those moments of foreverness into nothingness. Yet once again, I fail…
All I now can do is sit in solitude and question the silence of this rain, for why can I not wash away this pain just like how rain drops disappear leaving a sensation, a mild feeling of something that existed is now gone! Why can I not let those fragments of time pour down like you and relieve my heart! Why can i not cloak my tears as rain and sit down an eternity thinking that my travail is not alone, *silent smile* a relief in disguise…
So, as I sit back and open my eyes the reality comes flashing back. For the first time in all these months I knew I had one place to escape, one place where I could silently sit knowing no one else exists except me and my solitude, my own mind. The pain still haunts and in my dream, the only dream which is not a nightmare, I still sit by the window, watching the rain pour down from the brink of heavens like my companion, still letting me stay all alone…
“The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. All was well.” and I kept the last edition of Harry Potter titled The Deathly Hallows aside after giving it a full-attention read almost the 5th time now, and if today you ask me to read it just once again… well, huh, bad option! Time changes and so do our situations. We seldom realize what we have lost long after the reigns have left our hands and have conveniently slipped away to distances a man can never cover or mend… The broken bonds between two people, their thoughts, their actions and their priorities create deep and hidden cracks just beneath the thin surface of their long dragged relation! They shall now be driven away… they shall now lead their own ways!
Everyday we pass out by is a sign of existence that reminds us, and not others, of our own presence! We go on walking on the narrow bridge of life, letting fall everything that is of no use to us today. We discard people like a tree pulling off its withered leaves and letting them fall on the barren land, dormant and isolated! Its a strange feeling you know, to be in a crowd, all alone! Ever witnessed it? It scares some and to some its a way of mental peace. Some find solitude in the individuality of been plucked off from someone’s life and to some its like an imprisonment, holding on to them like the clutches of death…!
We live in a place of complete absence, an absence of values, an absence of emotions, an absence of love and, an absence of existence! To us, the importance of life is greater than the lord, the importance of tomorrow is greater than today, the importance of fragrance is greater than the flower… in precise, the importance of taker is greater than the giver! He who does not regard what he/she has shall never be able to regard himself… The greed drives him today and not humility…!! Ashamed I bow my head! The man today forgets that he shall have to reflect upon his time one day and give back to the lord what he has taken so shamefully, a man made of not flesh, but sin… Without a sign of disgrace, he stands still!!
Time will never stop and you shall plow what you have sowed. The seeds are to be chosen wisely, far away from greed, want and sanity… Reflect upon your time and see all that you have wasted people, emotions, love, care and devotion. Value what is not needed as a thing as unimportant as that was once or will be at one point of time, the most precious of all… Life is all about how you live in sync with all that you have been blessed with and not about living by choice. Survival/Existence and Living are terms coined by man as nearest neighbors i.e. synonyms but to a fact they differ from one another just like how love differs form lust! When man would know how to conquer lust with love in order to live rather than survive, it will be then when his existence would pay the price and bring to him the footsteps of heaven with all the blessings, bread and wine!
But till that does not happen we shall keep reflecting back at our time, counting all the ills committed and altering all that lies in the hands of man!! We all need to do this fast, we all need to do this together… Lets hold on the reigns tighter than ever, let the past not fall on us yet once again, but, shall rise from the darkness of the evil below and mend the crack of our long dragged relations and bring to it the pious drink of mortality that pours down endlessly from the brink of heaven.
Noticing that this is infact one of my recent posts as i have been unavailable for a long time, i choose something i faced all through this time! A Dilemma…
We all see the sun go down and rise up again and something quiet similar happens to you when you think that all is rising up for you and suddenly it all shatters down like it was never meant to be “there”!! Fighting with my own wits and wills i’ve realized that one can never “win” but shall forever “grow”. And maybe that is what i really need to figure out!! As january crept by silently, un-noticed i realized i was over something that is considered as the most threatening of all situations, a break-up!! And now i knew what it was to fall in love.. Afterall love is a place where you need to fall, in order to rise!! So i did the same… I grew out of it cementing the feelings that once existed for someone who meant more than my “world” to me… I was once the one to ignore some of the most important people of my life (i shall not list but they are my bestiest buddies ever!! And as nothing is permanent, Alas! They broke up too *tears flow*) It was February now, (one of my best buddie’s b’day happens to land up here) lolx. Hope now they know whom i am pointing at :P haha!! If not comfortable i was pretty much certain that my so called short term fantasy had finally come to an end!! Sipping up my dried tears i now knew it was time to move on, but actually, this isn’t easy!!
After this sad ending i was woken up to a much more bizarre dream… I suddenly realized that i wasn’t in a phase of life where i could afford to dream!! I had my 12th standard boards ahead me and i was still busy with my “he loves me, he loves me not”… As i plucked the last petal of my worn-out heart (which obviously was now forcibly “he loves me not”) i plunged back to my books… It was then i realized how even bad things teach you in life about patience, it seldom tells us “wait! something good lies behind me…” and there i was, a T-Junction… Both roads lead me the same direction and none was easy… Life is so well planned at times!! I had to choose, leave behind the broken pieces that laid within me, dormant and lifeless.. Or to stick back to them, hopeful and forever praying..!! And you may now say, “Hey gal, those are two different pathways my dear!!” but to that i already have an answer… Both WERE different, but what they would give me in the end was same, a broken and bleeding inner self :(.. Okay, life isn’t ALWAYS well planned!! Some people (like me) have the capacity to ruin it up to the last inch!! *hopeless sighs* But then i still have something to thank “him” for… :) for being there till the end and for the fact that he did tell me that we were much better off as friends!! I now know he was never wrong!! muhan!!
This went on until someone reminded me “Time heals!”. Thanks to him :) … But by now it was already June!! My birthday passed away killing me short by another year (note: i was the pessimist then!!) It was now certain to me that nothing had gone the way it should have!! Neither my love nor my fate was even halfway the benchmark i had set some time ago, confident, noting could cross my way!! Huh!! Well no comments on that :( I got a pathetic 87% in boards and a 100% at “Not to love”… I had held everyone’s head in the light of shame, and no one said a word :( guess there conscious consumed them!! At times like these you feel a good abuse would have made you feel a lot better..!! And now when i looked back i knew where i was wrong..!! People are right when they say “You are small” maybe somethings are really not made for some people at a point of time!!
It all comes down to a good ending. And if i respect SRK for one things its got to be his dialogue in the movie – Om Shanti Om, “Agar story ka happy ending na ho, to picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!” … (lol i am bad at remembering dialogues so please consider if i went a bit wacky with the words!! ) NOW when i look back i know i am stronger than yesterday, and shall continue to rise till i don’t fall back!! If there are few things I am surely certain about it has to include one big thing… The best you can do to yourself and the one you love is, retain your friendship… its priceless and at times, worth it!! I shall not rush into anyone else and i don’t even see myself hooking up for quiet a long time from now! Its all because i finally know there are few things which are more important than kissing, hugging, crying and cuddling… they are loving, understanding and letting free!! I still love him no doubts about that, and maybe the feelings in me will never change but there is a slight difference now!!
I am not going to fall again, just for the sake of rising!!