My Tears Wish Me Good Night…! (Revised)


As I pull the strings the pages fall,

I see my past unfold.

The broken pieces burn within,

and to love I shut my door…

I keep inside my broken self,

faking yet another smile.

Hiding the ashes of the burnt,

for yet another while… Continue reading

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When Memories Take A Toll…


Just like the rain pouring down, slipping off my window pane, i feel the wetness on my face, crawling down slowly to my lips and then slide away silently, as if it were never there! Huhhh… Guess some memories are too strong to let go…!!

I close my eyes and a slide show begins of some of my life’s best moments which now lie like twigs and thorns in a bunch of roses. Hurt and burnt i feel inside, something that was to be forgotten has now traced its steps back, making me feel alone and left out!! Its not a good feeling, trust me!! Its strange to believe that at one point of time all i wanted was immortality of those moments and now… I wish i could tell you exactly how I feel of them!!

The face that lies in those slides, now burnt and engraved in my heart, is one that i once never wanted to let go. Why don’t memories walk in sync with the feelings of one’s heart? Alas, I shall never find that out… The time has gone and all that is left are the broken fragments that spread the fragrance of a crushed rose in the air… I can feel it, I can smell it!! Its just like a deadly flower, luring you towards itself with its sight but inside crushing you, and leaving you hollow with each second you spend with it! But then I guess, somethings are infact inevitable… We need to learn to tame our heart and teach it the art of living with all the wounds that lie down under deception!

As i fall back in time all the jokes now seem to be horrors, all dreams now look like nightmares, all feelings now look fake and all promises, a lie!! I now lie in a fix… I need to know what should i do? I cannot lie down forgetting everything as that is something I have tried, and failed!! And neither can I live with it, knowing it hurts me every second making me feel sore all the time… My patience now seems to desolve with time and my abilities now loose their strength!! It’s easy to lie to palefaces than trying to fool your own conscience. Only if I knew how to burn these broken pieces I would pass in peace for I know that is never going to happen and I am left in pain, fear and dread. So now i quench with thirst of love, a thirst of changing those moments of foreverness into nothingness. Yet once again, I fail…

All I now can do is sit in solitude and question the silence of this rain, for why can I not wash away this pain just like how rain drops disappear leaving a sensation, a mild feeling of something that existed is now gone! Why can I not let those fragments of time pour down like you and relieve my heart! Why can i not cloak my tears as rain and sit down an eternity thinking that my travail is not alone, *silent smile* a relief in disguise…

So, as I sit back and open my eyes the reality comes flashing back. For the first time in all these months I knew I had one place to escape, one place where I could silently sit knowing no one else exists except me and my solitude, my own mind. The pain still haunts and in my dream, the only dream which is not a nightmare, I still sit by the window, watching the rain pour down from the brink of heavens like my companion, still letting me stay all alone…

Reflecting Upon Time


“The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. All was well.” and I kept the last edition of Harry Potter titled The Deathly Hallows aside after giving it a full-attention read almost the 5th time now, and if today you ask me to read it just once again… well, huh, bad option! Time changes and so do our situations. We seldom realize what we have lost long after the reigns have left our hands and have conveniently slipped away to distances a man can never cover or mend… The broken bonds between two people, their thoughts, their actions and their priorities create deep and hidden cracks just beneath the thin surface of their long dragged relation! They shall now be driven away… they shall now lead their own ways!

Everyday we pass out by is a sign of existence that reminds us, and not others, of our own presence! We go on walking on the narrow bridge of life, letting fall everything that is of no use to us today. We discard people like a tree pulling off its withered leaves and letting them fall on the barren land, dormant and isolated! Its a strange feeling you know, to be in a crowd, all alone! Ever witnessed it? It scares some and to some its a way of mental peace. Some find solitude in the individuality of been plucked off from someone’s life and to some its like an imprisonment, holding on to them like the clutches of death…!

We live in a place of complete absence, an absence of values, an absence of emotions, an absence of love and, an absence of existence! To us, the importance of life is greater than the lord, the importance of tomorrow is greater than today, the importance of fragrance is greater than the flower… in precise, the importance of taker is greater than the giver! He who does not regard what he/she has shall never be able to regard himself… The greed drives him today and not humility…!! Ashamed I bow my head! The man today forgets that he shall have to reflect upon his time one day and give back to the lord what he has taken so shamefully, a man made of not flesh, but sin… Without a sign of disgrace, he stands still!!

Time will never stop and you shall plow what you have sowed. The seeds are to be chosen wisely, far away from greed, want and sanity… Reflect upon your time and see all that you have wasted people, emotions, love, care and devotion. Value what is not needed as a thing as unimportant as that was once or will be at one point of time, the most precious of all… Life is all about how you live in sync with all that you have been blessed with and not about living by choice. Survival/Existence and Living are terms coined by man as nearest neighbors i.e. synonyms but to a fact they differ from one another just like how love differs form lust! When man would know how to conquer lust with love in order to live rather than survive, it will be then when his existence would pay the price and bring to him the footsteps of heaven with all the blessings, bread and wine!

But till that does not happen we shall keep reflecting back at our time, counting all the ills committed and altering all that lies in the hands of man!! We all need to do this fast, we all need to do this together… Lets hold on the reigns tighter than ever, let the past not fall on us yet once again, but, shall rise from the darkness of the evil below and mend the crack of our long dragged relations and bring to it the pious drink of mortality that pours down endlessly from the brink of heaven.

Amen!

A Lesson To Learn.


Noticing that this is infact one of my recent posts as i have been unavailable for a long time, i choose something i faced all through this time! A Dilemma…

We all see the sun go down and rise up again and something quiet similar happens to you when you think that all is rising up for you and suddenly it all shatters down like it was never meant to be “there”!! Fighting with my own wits and wills i’ve realized that one can never “win” but shall forever “grow”. And maybe that is what i really need to figure out!! As january crept by silently, un-noticed i realized i was over something that is considered as the most threatening of all situations, a break-up!! And now i knew what it was to fall in love.. Afterall love is a place where you need to fall, in order to rise!! So i did the same… I grew out of it cementing the feelings that once existed for someone who meant more than my “world” to me… I was once the one to ignore some of the most important people of my life (i shall not list but they are my bestiest buddies ever!! And as nothing is permanent, Alas! They broke up too *tears flow*) It was February now, (one of my best buddie’s b’day happens to land up here) lolx. Hope now they know whom i am pointing at :P haha!! If not comfortable i was pretty much certain that my so called short term fantasy had finally come to an end!! Sipping up my dried tears i now knew it was time to move on, but actually, this isn’t easy!!

After this sad ending i was woken up to a much more bizarre dream… I suddenly realized that i wasn’t in a phase of life where i could afford to dream!! I had my 12th standard boards ahead me and i was still busy with my “he loves me, he loves me not”… As i plucked the last petal of my worn-out heart (which obviously was now forcibly “he loves me not”) i plunged back to my books… It was then i realized how even bad things teach you in life about patience, it seldom tells us “wait! something good lies behind me…” and there i was, a T-Junction… Both roads lead me the same direction and none was easy… Life is so well planned at times!! I had to choose, leave behind the broken pieces that laid within me, dormant and lifeless.. Or to stick back to them, hopeful and forever praying..!! And you may now say, “Hey gal, those are two different pathways my dear!!” but to that i already have an answer… Both WERE different, but what they would give me in the end was same, a broken and bleeding inner self :(.. Okay, life isn’t ALWAYS well planned!! Some people (like me) have the capacity to ruin it up to the last inch!! *hopeless sighs* But then i still have something to thank “him” for… :) for being there till the end and for the fact that he did tell me that we were much better off as friends!! I now know he was never wrong!! muhan!!

This went on until someone reminded me “Time heals!”. Thanks to him :) … But by now it was already June!! My birthday passed away killing me short by another year (note: i was the pessimist then!!)  It was now certain to me that nothing had gone the way it should have!! Neither my love nor my fate was even halfway the benchmark i had set some time ago, confident, noting could cross my way!! Huh!! Well no comments on that :( I got a pathetic 87% in boards and a 100% at “Not to love”… I had held everyone’s head in the light of shame, and no one said a word :( guess there conscious consumed them!! At times like these you feel a good abuse would have made you feel a lot better..!! And now when i looked back i knew where i was wrong..!! People are right when they say “You are small” maybe somethings are really not made for some people at a point of time!!

It all comes down to a good ending. And if i respect SRK for one things its got to be his dialogue in the movie – Om Shanti Om, “Agar story ka happy ending na ho, to picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!” … (lol i am bad at remembering dialogues so please consider if i went a bit wacky with the words!! ) NOW when i look back i know i am stronger than yesterday, and shall continue to rise till i don’t fall back!! If there are few things I am surely certain about it has to include one big thing… The best you can do to yourself and the one you love is, retain your friendship… its priceless and at times, worth it!! I shall not rush into anyone else and i don’t even see myself hooking up for quiet a long time from now! Its all because i finally know there are few things which are more important than kissing, hugging, crying and cuddling… they are loving, understanding and letting free!! I still love him no doubts about that, and maybe the feelings in me will never change but there is a slight difference now!!

I am not going to fall again, just for the sake of rising!!

The Loud Silence…!


I might have walked a thousand miles,

holding my mother’s hand.

But that night i saw her grip,

slipping like the sand…

My hands were numb and heart was cold,

i didn’t know what to do.

Your hand had slipped, my tears were swept,

it felt as if i were doomed!

I stood up high and saw the sky,

Ah! it was so big.

I had lost something which i valued most,

and I began to sink.

I turned around and saw the world,

and started getting thick.

It felt as if i were tied in chains,

which was driving me sick.

Then,

i heard a voice.

Oh! it was HIM.

The Lord, The God…. The Grim!

Why? Why? Why? Why only me?

when did i disobey?

and much more was rushing in my mind,

all that i wished to say.

But to a shock i remained still,

and he just smiled away.

I stood there confused with my thoughts,

what made him do this way?

Today i stand here again,

thinking the same old way.

Could he have heard without the words,

what i wanted to say?

Or maybe, just maybe,

silence did speak louder than words,

that day…

regards,

tulika singh (16th July, 2008, 4:30pm)

Let Your Silence Do The Talking!


“Learning” and “Understanding” was never such fun! lolx… don’t worry! em not talking about the “books”… but “yourself”!

How many times in a day do we land up asking others how they feel and also, how are we? Any guesses? Well all I know is that, for all the teenagers, especially girls, it’s the bestest way to pass out time! (even I was one of those :P but till a few days back!) em I wrong? ;) lolx

We seldom go to others, talk out our problems, ask for solutions and try implementing them, not knowing what harm it does… Well, just pause here, and think for a minute! Do YOU see any harm?

hmmmm… lets see!

name the one person who knows you a 100% i.e. completely inside out? ur mom? nope…anyone else? GAWD! :O don’t tell me you don’t know… how can you forget your own damn name?  (SHAME!)

If there is one existing soul who knows you breath by breath…its “YOU”. so why on earth are you wasting it? SHIT! that’s bad…really bad!

we spend days with people who don’t even know us the way we are, take advices from people which never serve us right, ignore the most important person of our lives, that is, ourselves, burst out on things which never even happened (gawdd!! I hate that “what if” expression X( ) and waste ourselves on people who never deserved us? MAHN! what a waste are we!

why do we seek advices? because we think that others are geniuses? “He knows me so perfectly and he has all the fucking solutions…He is freaking kool…!” lolx… nice joke! :P (seriously!)

If you cannot help your own selves, how can a person who does not even know you (except, off course, your name!) even think of advising you? get up and help yourself! you need that badly… learn “NOT” depending on others friends!

Now the point…”do I really know myself?” huh! what a disgrace! poor puppy does not know himself and thinks that maybe the world would? lolx… great! em srsly laughing…

go to the mirror, look at yourself! you were with this bundle of flesh and bones for ages and you don’t even know what he is made off from the inside? (kick your ass hard from my side! you deserve that…)

Enough of issues, time for some solutions now!

Learning yourself is also a form of knowledge which actually weights priceless. knowing self is an art and not a method, and, the only way to achieve it is by (my personal fav.) the question/answer relation!

Give your ears a rest and mind some peace. sit alone, making it all as silent as possible and dive into yourself. penetrate into your mind and heart as if you don’t know a single thing about this place! ask, discover and reveal your true inner self. question your own self, and for a change, stop defending! dig out your own thoughts. understand the way you think and if you have the zeal and courage of knowing more about self find out “Why?” the way you think is the way you think! confused? try it…and I assure you that its worth it!

you may cry, you may scream! cry it out, yell it out, pet it out or, just pour it out, but in the end all you need is to bring it out anyhow! after some time of trials and errors, you’ll find yourself welcoming a new YOU!

now again face the same mirror and ask the man in the glass whatever you want to know and you will see that you never needed anyone else!

The bestest advise come from nowhere else but, from within you!

Learn commanding yourself and you will know how it feels to conquer a kingdom. and hurray! you just did it in a much peaceful way… <3

so just go back to yourself, think about it and then, just let the silence do the talking…

Hoping it helped in one way or the other…

Regards,

Tulika Singh…

The Naked Truth…


“If  life could ever be so easy as we take it OR want it, why would we exist?” well… thats what i think! no hard feelings…

As this is practically my first blog i am just going to add in a bit of “me” first in my profile so that when you get back for my other posts (well… i don’t know if you will lolx) you know what are you in for…

So where was i? Yes, Life!

All these “Learn to Live” and “Recreate Yourself” classes, for me, are in for just one place… that is, dump yard! If you could practically LEARN living then what’s the point? I am not here to rectify your view about such absurd recreating programs but to show you just another way to think, and as a reader that’s a bit interesting for you. Isn’t it? ;)

We all think, understand and draw out our own possibilities about places, people, things etc. then why on earth we need a helping hand when it comes to carve our own selves…?

Now YOUR question is “What is life?”… but mine? Sorry! I don’t keep such things…lolx  If such a thing like life could be defined all problems would have had been solved.  Life, in the end, is obviously what you make of it. Its not “What?” but, “When?”. We live each second, likewise breathing. We often confuse ourselves in thinking rather than deciding. Its all that we need to learn.

We come down on the mother earth for some motive (that’s what some of the readers may say!) and I too agree, but the mess we create is when we start to dig into something that never existed. The MOTIVE is not in discovering but, inventing! YOU choose what to do. You DECIDE. God never enslaved you to his bounty. He created you with utter love and passion and puffed in some short breaths so that you can live, enjoy and discover the beauty of his creations. Then why waste time?

We fall in love, we fall heartbroken. We promise not to do this again. And the next day we meet another Prince/Princess Charming/Gorgeous. Lolx I mean… that’s just INSANE! Hey, all those Cupid lovers, if you look outside the window of your imaginary dreamland you’ll find what you have lost.

Let me explain…

Sit near that window yet another time, bus this time think of all those people you had in your life and not you mr./miss perfect. It may be your family, friends or co-workers or even your boss for that matter. There will be a list of minimum 1000 people if you start penning them down. So now, out of 1000 lets say 800 kept you in their good book (wow! You are loved lolx). How many of them are you in still contact with? How many of those are the ones you can still call up at the middle of the night and yell at? How many of those are still one of those “pick you up at 7am tomorrow” types?  think… think… maybe emmm… 100? Or less?? (800 good books and 100 cherished? What a waste!)

Now just take your cell and dial a random number. Let them know that you still remember then. Apologies! And trust me, you would never have had felt any better! Come on! Still reading? GO… this post isn’t going to run anywhere but your time is…

My point is:

“Why do we waste the love we treasure, at that ONE man/woman, why don’t we acknowledge what we get from a million!”

The only asset that we carry on our shoulders is our own self dignity and the only liability? the tears and heartaches you left behind. So for a change lets resolve to love all and hate none. to miss all and forget none. to befriend all and with-hold none. :) if “hate” is a word of  your dictionary, its high time you buy a new one! The sooner you realize what you have lost at, the better you recover!

Have  a nice life ahead!